i’ve been feeling something
خوشامد کرنا دوستوں | welcome friends <3
First and foremost, I hope everyone is well and healthy during these grueling winter months.
Personally, this past winter season is proving to be a period of introspection and deep healing. I have begun to understand myself more and garner an immense sympathy for the spiritual entities within me (ie. my heart, soul and mind).
It sounds beautifully majestic right? It is. Yet at the same time, this process has been ripping me apart at the seams, and the past few months have taken quite a hit on my health.
Recently I discovered I have Bipolar Disorder 2, well technically. Shortly after, I discovered that my medically proclaimed mental illness is in fact a neurological disorder instead.
All it took was a wonderfully unconventional psychiatrist to show me that the general public is vastly off base when it comes to diagnosing ailments of the brain. Such past medical providers equated my mind to my brain, deeming my mind as the culprit.
Now what was the crime you may ask? The shameful deed that somehow was my fault. Possibly a result of my overthinking as a psychiatrist once told me, or was it my extensive vocabulary that was a red flag and surely a sign of mental instability? Yes, all of the above, that is what they all told me.
A mental illness has an etymology so directly correlated with the mind that it almost becomes personal. It has to be my fault right? I am the reason for my own downfall.
I felt this way for most of the past year.
Until I realized the unfortunate game of misnomers in the medical field. Most providers hand out mental illness or psychiatric diagnoses when actually the patient is experiencing anarchy in the brain. Not the mind. My journey in figuring this out took quite a toll on me.
But recently everything started to click in place. The spiritual sidekick within me helped piece together the enduring qualities of the self blame tied to my neurological battles. Suddenly my journey appeared magical, it was a path I had to take to get here.
And thus this poem was born.
Now I leave you to read in peace, I really hope you enjoy :)
i’ve been feeling something
something’s coming for me
cuz when winter turns to spring
seeds grow into flowers once again
life’s been blurry for a few years
had to keep wiping those silly little tears
still couldn’t see past the morning sun
until it finally set on the horizon
they say the darkest nights
shine the brightest stars with light
maybe that’s why it’s starting to feel right
suddenly the “i don’t knows”
turn into
“anything goes”
energy is free flowing
if you let do as it pleases
you figure out
much of what happens to you
couldn’t possibly happen to
anyone else
life is as precious as you make it
words mean more than you think
if you have to fake it
so be it.
soul searching comes at a price
if you’re willing to pay
do what you gotta do
to make sense of
all of it.
you know that smile you reminisced
from the picture on your fireplace
it’s slowly returning
this time the soul it bears
is the one that was awaken
so i’m still feeling something
but now it’s changed into magic
suddenly pain is endearing
my heart’s finally beating
with the dreams of a future
i never thought i’d have.
